Taking the Leap - Revisited

"Meadow Creek Spring"
Oil on Panel
12x16"
2008

WARNING: long, rambling post ahead... Sorry!!

Nate and I took a long walk in the woods last night, and while we were talking we realized that this week marks a year since we became a self-employed family!! I've been at it longer than he has, since I quit my job when I had Aspen a year and a half ago, but when he quit his corporate job a year ago it upped the ante for my art business. My art officially became one of the ways that we pay the bills, and we both embarked together on this crazy journey that we like to think of as following our dreams.

I'll admit that there have been ups and downs, and I've had my moments of lying awake at 3:00 in the morning wondering what the heck we've done, but I don't have any regrets, and I'd do it all over again if I had to. I've been a bit stressed out lately, mostly because the news is so negative these days - in my darkest moments I wonder if we made the right decision to do all of this. In all of my other moments, I KNOW it was the right decision.

I've been slowly going through the archives of this blog and categorizing my posts, and it's been a really positive experience to look back over the past few years and see where I've come from. When I started this blog two and a half years ago, I was lead process engineer on an $800 million scrubber project for an oil-sands refinery in Canada. I was frazzled with the stress of being in charge of the process design phase of such a huge project (hello - those are my initials on every drawing and calculation!), managing people for the first time, and dealing with the pressure of being the only female engineering lead on the project, not to mention the youngest by about twenty years. My life was defined by my climb up the corporate ladder, and I was heading for a nice job in project management. I made a lot more money than I do now, and I was completely miserable.

For reference, here I am, enjoying the scenery in the middle of an oil sands mine in Ft. MacMurray, Alberta (and this was a day with a GOOD view - normally I was sitting in a cubicle staring at a computer):


Actually, if you REALLY want to see how far I've come to get to this point, maybe I should rewind to my days working for big oil down in Texas. Here I am getting ready to inspect some equipment during a chemical plant shutdown in Baton Rouge, Louisiana - you know your job sucks when the chemicals are so dangerous that you have to dress like this:


Of course, we also spent a lot of time being really bored in the construction trailers, which was also not the best way to spend a day:


I was working for ExxonMobil at the time, and my job (when I wasn't inspecting equipment), was to design computer programs that would optimize the amount of money the plant would make on a given day, depending on things like oil prices, chemical sale prices, etc etc. It was incredibly unfulfilling, and I hated Houston, so we moved back to Colorado and I got a job designing pollution control systems for coal-fired power plants. More my style, but I still wasn't happy, and I started this blog to rant a bit about my job and talk about some of the things that made me happy, and it morphed into the art blog it is today.

When I look back at the girl I was then, I'm thankful that I was able to see how unhappy I was, and that I knew exactly what I really wanted to be doing. Before I got pregnant with Aspen, I had decided that I wanted to try and make it as an artist, and I started to get serious about taking the right steps to make it work. I think I first started talking about taking the leap in the two posts here and here. At the end of the first post where I talked about making a career change, I said the following:

"I don’t want to play it safe forever. I don’t want to have a long list of excuses someday. I’d rather aim for brilliance and fail than say I never tried for fear of exiting my comfort zone. I want to move forward - I want to choose experience over excuses."

When I read those words the other day, I was in the midst of a stressful day and they immediately gave me a sense of peace. I realized that over the past year and a half I've left the comfort zone and challenged myself, and I've had more wonderful experiences than I can count. I love my job with every inch of my being, and I'm content with my life. I have a beautiful, sweet daughter, a wonderful husband, and I'm living where I want to live. I'm surrounded by beauty every day, and I'm following the dream I've had since I was a child to be an artist. And in following that dream (and working with Nate to achieve his), I feel like I'm being the best role model I can possibly be as a mother. I'm blessed to have this opportunity, and I'm going to try my hardest to do my best at what I truly believe I'm meant to be doing.

Now, isn't it a good thing that I have this blog to remind me where I've come from? Nothing like a little reminder of my past life to move me from a place of stress to a place of peace!

Back to Work?

"Reflections"
Oil on Canvas
16x20"
2006




I don’t talk about my day job here very often, because, well, you never know who is going to stumble upon your blog. But even though this blog is pretty much about art, I do in fact have a job that has been responsible for funding my art habit thus far. Since having Aspen, I’ve been sorting through what to do with my day job so that I could be the mom I want to be and still have time to paint. My maternity leave is up this week, so after pretending I didn’t have a job for twelve weeks, I was forced to make a decision.

I graduated from college in 2000 with a degree in Chemical Engineering. After graduation, Nate and I got married and moved down to Houston since we both had job offers there. I worked for ExxonMobil right out of college, and my job essentially entailed creating computer programs to optimize the amount of money that the chemical plant would make on a given day, depending on the purchase price of different kinds of oil, and the selling price of various chemical byproducts. Exciting, eh? I spent all day every day working to fill the pockets of one of the richest companies in the world – not exactly the most fulfilling job in the world!

I was so miserable that I picked up oil painting to give me something that I could be passionate about outside of work, and after two years I decided that Houston just wasn’t for me. I spent a few months searching for jobs in Denver, Nate got his company to agree to transfer him, and we moved back to Colorado in 2002.

When I interviewed for jobs in Denver, I interviewed with my current boss under the assumption that I would be hired to work in the oil and gas industry. As luck would have it, when I finally hired on, I got put to work in a different division of the company working on air pollution control systems for the power industry.

For the past four years, I’ve spent my time designing emissions control systems for power plants and oil companies, and doing comparative cost estimates for different emerging control technologies. I’m not in love with engineering, but as far as engineering jobs go, it was right up my alley. I’m a bit of a tree-hugger at heart, and I liked being involved in the effort to keep our air clean.

I did well enough at my day job that I had a lead position on my last project, and was moving up the corporate ladder. Problem was, I wanted to to have a family, and moving up the corporate ladder in an engineering job isn’t really conducive to the type of family role that I wanted to have. When I got pregnant, I knew I was going to have to step down in responsibility, or quit my job for things to work. Before I went on leave, I told my boss that I would only be returning part time.

Today I went to lunch with my boss and project manager, and told them honestly that I just can’t see myself putting Aspen in daycare this year, so I won’t be returning to the office. The thing is, I’m hesitant to quit my job completely at this point after building up some expertise in my area, so it was a tough conversation to have. After a bit of discussion, we agreed that I can switch my status as an employee such that I’m still on the payroll, but don’t get benefits or have an office. If there’s any work that comes up on an occasional basis that I can do from home, I’ll do it on an hourly basis. Otherwise, if I don’t do anything for months, no big deal.

I think it’s a good solution, as I’ll be able to keep my foot in the door and keep up to date in my area, but I’ll be able to stay at home with Aspen and work on kicking my art career into gear. When I do work, the paycheck will be a welcome financial bonus, but when I don’t I can focus on my art.

This morning I figured I’d be quitting my job, but now this is where things stand. Guess I’ll just have to see how it goes!

Expanding

So, I was standing at the copy machine at work yesterday when some man I didn't know walked up and stood right next to me. I was wondering why he was invading my personal space at the copier when he proceeded to pat my belly, then pat his, and say, "You better watch out or your belly's gonna look like mine!!"

Then he paused to think a bit before saying, "Well, except that you're going to lose yours overnight one of these days, and I'm stuck with mine."

I'm glad to know that my body is starting to resemble that of a middle-aged man with a beer gut.

Fabulous.

Actually, I can't deny that I've entertained myself in meetings for the last nine months by imagining how many months pregnant I would be before my belly looked like each man's in the room. What can I say? Male engineers have beer bellys, and it makes for a good way to waste some time when stuck in a boring meeting.













I only dare to post these pictures because I've had a gazillion people request pictures of my rapidly expanding belly, and I figure it would just be easier to satisfy everyone's bizarre fascination with the pregnant belly than come up with more excuses for why I don't have any pictures of me pregnant.

Anyhow, I've come a long way between 7 weeks and 35 weeks pregnant, and I'm at the stage now where I can't quite believe that I still have approximately five more weeks for my belly to grow. Not to mention that I don't remember EVER being the size I am in the 7 week photo above, nor can I imagine ever being that size again.

My Life...

"High Meadows"
Oil on Canvas
9x12"





Well, things have been crazy as usual, so I’ve been trying to restrain myself from spending too much time on the internet and not enough time working and painting. But on the off chance that anyone ever still checks in on this blog, here’s what’s up.

* * * * *

The artist residency at the Forbes ranch was fantastic.

There were about 20 artists there – 10 who got picked by applying to the magazine contest like me, and the rest who were invited. It was a great group of artists to spend the week with. The night we all showed our portfolios to each other was intimidating but inspiring because the quality of work was so high, and there was so much diversity. There were artists that spanned a huge range of ages and styles, and it pushed me to think a little bit harder about what I want my paintings to be about, and where I want to go with my art. There were also a couple of gallery owners there throughout the week, and I got to sit in on a number of valuable conversations about marketing as an artist.

Through the course of seven days painting, I completed twelve plein air studies and managed to start three studio pieces. It rained on and off for much of the week, and I found that I wasn’t able to spend as much time on my feet as I normally can due to my ever-expanding preggo belly, so I didn’t get quite as much painting done as I might have otherwise (normally I’d do three plein air studies a day). When I wasn’t painting, I took hundreds of pictures of the ranch for reference.

There will be a show in NYC in March of 2007, which I have to have painting ready for by November of this year. My plein air studies are mostly just reference, so I’ll be working from a combination of those and photos to do studio paintings for the show. Since I’m due at the start of December, I’m starting to get what I can done now, just in case I’m not up for painting during my last trimester.

Wish I had time to write more about the experience (I’d like to write it down at some point so I don’t forget!), but that’s the summary for now…

* * * * *

I’ve made a rule that I can’t watch TV or get on the internet at home to keep me from wasting time and get me into the studio. In addition to the paintings that have to be done for the Forbes show by November, I’ve got to keep the gallery supplied with paintings, start and finish a new 18x24” commission piece, and complete 5-6 small works for a holiday miniature show at the end of the year.

I feel good now, but I’m worried that as my belly expands into the third trimester I’ll be uncomfortable and tired to the point of not wanting to paint much. I’m trying to prepare for that by getting as much done as I can now, while I’m still comfortable and energetic. So, all my free time goes to painting, and I spend the rest of my time fantasizing about how great it would be to not have a day job.

* * * * *

As for being preggo, I was 25 weeks yesterday, and I’m at the point now where everyone who sees me feels the need to comment on the size of my belly. I’m feeling pretty decent though, and can’t complain about being too uncomfortable. My body feels like a walking freak show – I’m always amazed at the weird things that pregnancy brings (funny looking veins, numb toes, quick growing nails, etc).

Anyhow, I had my 24 week appointment last week and my doc was nice enough to do a second ultrasound for us since they couldn’t coax our little bubble into the right position to tell the sex at my 20 week ultrasound. After 20 minutes, the doc still couldn’t get the little bugger to spread ‘em, so she went and visited another patient and instructed me to guzzle water in the meantime to fill my bladder. When she got back, she put me up on the table again and immediately proclaimed that we’re having a girl, with “99.9% certainty”. So, we can finally start arguing about names and buying things – yay!

* * * * *

As for work, things have been way too busy. I think everyone’s panicking because they know I’ll be leaving for maternity leave in November, so they’re loading me up with work to get done beforehand. I’m not too thrilled about it, but keep telling myself I only have a few more months of this left.

My boss has been bugging me about my maternity leave and when I’ll be back. So far I’ve told them I’m taking at least 16 weeks off, and that I won’t be returning fulltime. In the meantime, my coworkers have discovered my website and figured out that I’m pretty serious about my art. My boss actually came out and asked me the other day if I was going to quit and become an artist fulltime. I laughed it off and repeated that I won’t be back to work fulltime after the baby. That’s all they’re getting out of me for the time being!

Next week I’m heading to Baltimore for a conference on air pollution controls. I don’t particularly want to go at this point, but I figure it’ll be my last business trip for a while, so I’ll try to enjoy it!

* * * * *

Hmmm… not sure what else to say. Guess that’s it for now – my life, in a nutshell!

Oh, wait, one thing I forgot!! I'm featured in the September issue of Southwest Art Magazine as one of their "21 Under 31: The Next Generation" artists. It's a yearly article they do where they interview 21 young artists in the emerging artists issue, and I'm thrilled that they're including me this year. The magazine's out now, and I'm a bit disappointed because the printing made the painting they chose look nothing like it does in real life. The colors look like they're on crack, and the subtlety of the painting is completely lost, but I can't complain because it's really an honor to be chosen. I'm just hoping that the bad image doesn't turn people off from looking into my work.

Anyhow, next time you're at Barnes and Noble or whatnot, pick up a copy and check it out. That's my shameless plug for the day.

And now, I'm really done. Time to go home and paint!!

Below the Divide

Life has been over-the-top hectic for a while now. I thought I'd get a break at the end of February, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. The good news is that I'm finally learning to enjoy painting as a sort of vacation from real life.

I used to let stress at work sap my energy, which left me with nothing left for painting. If work was busy, I wouldn't paint for weeks. I realized that I needed to learn to be more productive if I'm ever going to make this a full time pursuit, so I've been working on pushing through and painting in the face of stress. After all, painting is the only thing I do where my mind is so consumed by the process that I think of little else for hours.


That said, I managed to finish this painting last weekend. We took a backpacking trip up to Crater Lake in the Indian Peaks Wilderness near Granby last summer, and it was easily one of the most beautiful places I've ever been. This painting doesn't really show off the awe-inspiring beauty of the place, but it reminds me of the trip anyways. This was the view looking across the lake - our campsite was actually in the pine trees on the hill on th left hand side. I'm not 100% thrilled with this painting, but sometimes you've just got to call it done when you know you aren't getting anywhere.

Title: "Below the Divide"
Medium: Oil on Canvas
Size: 18x24"

Young Lady?

Our procurement manager just got on the elevator with me and said something that involved referring to me as “young lady.”

I don’t even remember what we were talking about, because as soon as he called me “young lady,” I felt like I was in elementary school and being scolded for drawing on a desk* or something, rather than standing in an elevator at my very grown-up type of job.

I know the men I work with are old enough to be my father, but I just can’t believe someone just called me “young lady.” I’m going to retreat into my cube now and spend the rest of the day feeling like I’m about 10 years old….

On another note, as I was typing this the word “young” started to look really weird to me, to the point where I started to wonder if anyone would know what I was talking about. I hate those moments where perfectly normal words start to look like they aren’t English just because you look at them too long.

* Not that I ever did such a thing.

Sigh...

I just spent the last eight days in all day meetings, and feel like I’m finally able to come up for air. A few random thoughts:

****

You know you’re working late when the cleaning people come and turn the lights out on your floor of the office, leaving you to stumble through a maze of cubicles in the dark to turn them back on. What’s worse is when you don’t know where the light switches are for your floor of the office, and have to spend five minutes fumbling around the walls trying to find them.

****

My Canadian clients have just notified me that people in Canada like to drink tomato juice mixed with beer.

My entire family is Canadian and I’ve spent plenty of time in Canada, but this is one thing I had never heard of, and I’m completely disgusted just imagining what this must taste like.

Now said clients are determined to get me to try this nasty concoction next time we end up at a happy hour together (note to self: don’t accept any happy hour invites from clients in next few weeks

****

Sometimes engineers just don’t know when a joke shouldn’t be taken any further (as in, when it’s not very funny in the first place, and probably shouldn’t be continued).

I’ve been facilitating an eight-day meeting at work - it’s me and 10-15 other engineers every day, and of course I’m the only female and I’m at least 10 years younger than the youngest man in the room.

So, one morning we all show up and everyone gets situated at the big table in the conference room. Everyone’s all pumped up with coffee and ready to go.

Some engineer decides to break the ice with a bad joke – “Here we are again, the knights of the round table.”

(See – not so funny, eh?)

Everyone chuckles.

Then everyone turns to look at me at the head of the table.

Apparently it dawns on them that I’m female, and don’t resemble a knight.

Awkwardness ensues.

Finally, someone decides to save the moment with the following statement (drum roll please…):

“And Stacey’s Queen Guinevere.”

OMG.

Have you ever heard anything that made you want to cringe more? And I had to plaster a smile on my face and laugh. Seriously.

****

It’s amazing how two extra hours can mean so much when your life has become out-of-control busy. I finished up a long meeting a couple or hours early today, and I feel like I’m in heaven. I just want to sit back in my chair and let out a huge sigh of relief. I’m going to leave the office on time for the first time in weeks, and I can’t wait to get home during daylight and go for a run. Yay - I’m excited just thinking about it!

Sometimes the stressful times make me appreciate my usual daily habits that much more…

Silver Lining

Grrr....

I'm cranky this month. Work is out of control busy, and I'm not too excited about it. I managed to finish a painting this weekend though, which is better than nothing, right? And I rode my bike yesterday for the first time in ages, which is a good step in the right direction. So it's not all that bad I suppose!


I think it's kind of ironic that I painted this and titled it "Silver Lining", considering that my entire focus for the past two weeks has been trying to find the positive in a not-so-positive work situation.

Title: "Silver Lining"
Medium: Oil on Canvas
Size: 16x20"

Edited to add that my sister has informed me that she thought this looked like a cheesy-religious-god-light type of painting on first glance (she said it much more nicely, of course). In my defense, it looks a lot better when you can see the brushwork etc. - it's not all smooth. There's a better picture on my website. Honestly - I try not to paint anything that could resemble a Kinkade painting in any way, shape, or form.

Creativity

I’ve been thinking about creativity a lot lately.

I think I buy into a misconception that engineering is a left-brained activity –devoid of creativity, the opposite of the arts. The reality is that my job demands creative thinking 40 hours a week. I’ve never designed a system that was just like the one I designed before, and it always seems to take the combined efforts of a room full of people to come up with a suitable solution for every problem. It’s tough for me to go to work all day, then go home and still have the energy to paint. I use up my creative energy solving problems at work, and come home with little left to apply to my art.

People who aren’t familiar with art think it must be a relaxing activity - a release, if you will. But it isn’t. Not for me anyways.

For me, painting is anything but relaxing. Painting can be exhausting. It’s one of the most difficult things I’ve ever tried to master. I’ve been oil painting for 5 years now and am just now starting to turn out work that I wouldn’t be embarrassed to hang in a gallery. And when I look at my best paintings now, I know with 100% certainty that I still have a long way to go.

I used to struggle with the reality that I didn’t have the skill to do what I wanted to do with my art. I think that society conditions us to believe that artistic talent is something bestowed on us by God, and that the greats were born with the ability to create masterpieces. When we fall short of perfection, it’s easy to believe that we just weren’t born with enough talent. It makes for an easy excuse – a reason to give up.

I’m starting to understand that this is a big lie. I’ve met a lot of successful artists over the past two years, and none of them got where they are without a lot of hard work. That might sound like common sense, but in the art world I don’t think it is common sense. People believe that creativity comes in great flashes of light, and only to an inspired few.

I believe that you might start with a bit of talent, but that it isn’t going to get you anywhere if you don’t know how to channel it.

When I was at the bookstore the other day, I picked up Twyla Tharp’s book, “The Creative Habit: Learn It and Use It for Life.” The title is kind of gimmicky and self-help oriented, but it looked interesting and I thought I’d give it a read. I’m glad I did – I got a lot out of it.

It’s not so much a guide to being creative as it is a thesis on the creative process and a view into the work habits that have turned Tharp into a successful choreographer. It talks a lot about what one needs to do to foster the right environment to support the creative process, and it’s not full of touchy-feely suggestions like you might expect. It all boils down to discipline and hard work. Again - common sense, but a refreshing reminder that art is not about staring at a blank canvas waiting for inspiration. It’s about deciding what you want, and having the discipline and preparation to get you there. I’d recommend this book to anyone who is remotely into the arts – whether it be music, writing, dance, or visual arts, I think the concepts in it are applicable, and it’ll get you thinking about what being creative means.

Experience or Excuses?

Seems like I haven’t been doing much other than work lately. I took the week off after Christmas and had a fabulous time painting, getting my website updated, and getting back on track with running and swimming. I’ve been paying for it ever since I returned – I’m completely buried in work!

After working all weekend and staying at the office late the past three nights, I’ve come to the conclusion that this is just not what I want to do long-term.

Well, okay – I’d already reached that conclusion a long time ago, but sometimes I like my job for a minute and think to myself, “Well, they pay me pretty well so it can’t be that bad, right?” Sometimes the comfort of having a nice steady job is appealing, you know?

But I just don’t think that’s what life is all about. The past few weeks have jolted me back to reality. It’s painfully obvious that in the field I’m in, career advancement means more responsibility which means more work which means more stress. And I just don’t know how intelligent I would be if I knowingly chose to devote my life to that for the next few decades.

Fact is, I want to have time to do the things I like to do outside of work. I want to eventually have a family and be able to see them every once in a while. And I want to give my art a serious chance, not just as another hobby.

So I think this is the year that I make an honest effort at trying to make something of my art. It’s not like I’m losing anything by trying – I don’t have to quit my job to try it, I just need to rearrange my priorities for a year. If that means I have to spend most of my spare time painting and marketing, so be it. It’s worth it to give it a try. And at the end of the year it won’t be a “What if?” anymore – it’ll be a yes or no.

I read this quote on Wil’s blog a long time ago, and I love the way it speaks to me:

“What we have is based upon
moment-to-moment choices of what we do.
In each of those moments, we choose.

We either take a risk
and move toward what we want,
or we play it safe and choose comfort.
Most of the people, most of the time, choose comfort.

In the end, people either have
excuses or experiences;
reasons or results;
buts or brilliance.

They either have what they wanted
or they have a detailed list
of all the rational reasons why not."

~ Anonymous

I don’t want to play it safe forever. I don’t want to have a long list of excuses someday. I’d rather aim for brilliance and fail than say I never tried for fear of exiting my comfort zone.

I want to move forward - I want to choose experience over excuses.

Reality Check

I swear, there are certain moments of the day when I just look around and wonder to myself, "How the hell did I get myself here?"

Like today, for instance.

I've been stuck in meetings all week, staring at a 3D model of a chemical plant projected up on a screen for 8 hours a day - tedious, to say the least. Today I glanced around the room over my 10th cup of coffee and realized that, of course, I was the only female in the room.

The only female, and the youngest person by at least 10 years.

In a meeting of 30 people!!

And it took me 4 days to notice this because it's just so normal to me at this point.

If you had asked me in high school what I would be doing 10 years in the future, I just don't think I could have imagined this scenario with any stretch of my imagination... Sigh...

Productivity

Or the lack thereof…

Seriously - I feel like I have accomplished nothing today.

Since I arrived at work, I have:

• Read through three people’s blogs in their entirety (as in all the way back to the beginning, last year)
  
• Gone into the restroom to blow my nose about a hundred times (I have a cold and I have a thing about blowing my nose in front of people)
  
• Called Nate three times to discuss weekend plans
  
• Had an in depth email conversation with my sister about the reason for escalating heating/electricity bills (she asked, okay?!)
  
• Chatted with the guys across the hall for 45 minutes (apparently they aren’t feeling productive today either)
  
• Brainstormed with another guy about what tools I would have to sneak into the office on a weekend to remove the 3 foot high cube wall that covers the bottom half of my windows (now that I have a window, I find it very important to optimize the amount of natural light in my office)
  
• Attempted to come up with a training schedule that will get me back into shape this month after being pretty lazy for the past few weeks.
  
• Walked across the floor to the break room to make a cup of tea 4 times – spent time talking with people on the way there and back each time.
  
• Made a list of Christmas presents to buy for everyone (even though I know I won’t go shopping for a few more weeks)
  
• Updated my artwork inventory spreadsheet and pricing list.
  
• Reviewed some drawings… There – I did do some real work!!!
  

I actually don’t feel bad about any of this, because I made the mistake of taking cold medicine this morning and I’ve been in a fog all day. I figure that if I actually tried to do any real engineering work, I would just make a mistake, and that wouldn’t be good. So I’m going to finish up all the mindless administrative tasks that I have to get done, and then go home for the weekend. Yay!!